We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My ATM looks so different sober.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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