I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
