No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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