I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
