Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
