i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
