now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
what day is it and did you see me today?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
