If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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