In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
My bed is full of blood and feathers
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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