I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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