I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
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The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
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She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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