Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
