I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
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He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
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The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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