His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
