She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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