you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
