i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
