He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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