Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
