Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
