i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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