maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
