I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
