I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
