I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
