That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
