Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
