Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Two words: blizzard sex
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
