I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
