i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The uberlube is also flammable
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
