My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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