maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
where are my eyebrows?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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