i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
