Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
