You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize