I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
