Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
