Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
