He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
