dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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