Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
