I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
FUCK WHALES
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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