nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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