hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
