Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
