Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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