just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
