he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
