Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize