take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
