What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
