I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
