So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
