my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My underwear smells like fireworks.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
