What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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