Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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