kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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