remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
