We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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