i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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