dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
