Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
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Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
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I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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