What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
