apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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