I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
